I will Do

I am staring at my ring with mixed feelings, I have said yes! and I am quite uncertain of who proposed the marriage between Sam and myself.

I am sitting by the lake and there are more questions than answers on my mind. “Did he propose to please me”?, “does he really love me”? “am I sure of this step”? More prominently on my mind is the thought “having come this far, how far is too far?”.

Minutes after I said yes! in a private proposal between two of us, Sam had requested for a kiss to tie the knot and I naively gave in against my conviction.

It feels like I am driving myself, I can’t remember really praying about this but I know that I want to marry right.

5 Months ago, I would have been able to lift my head high to talk about purity in relationships, isn’t it strange how I could preach purity when I was really single?

I have to speak with Aunty Serena, the bubbly Aunty Serena who will insist that purity must be accompanied with discipline, I must go find her, she will be willing to hear me out, the load I feel in my chest is overwhelming.

…

Aunty Serena, I feel lost, I feel far from God and my convictions, I feel like I am chasing a man, Sam proposed to me but I feel like I pushed him to it, my head just feels heavy, we have been friends for 4 months, we have been dating.

I know the issue of dating has been raised over and again in Youth Church as not being the standard for Christians, but Margaret, my room mate says one has to be in a relationship to even marry, but I knew deep in my heart that I was looking for excuses, I would have rather come to you if I wanted the truth.

In the second month of the relationship, Sam had requested for me to prepare food for him in his home, I again remembered that it is unsafe to get too close physically and not even noble to run around to meet his domestic needs because we are not married but I ignored my convictions again.

Till today, Aunty Serena, my parents do not know about Sam. On one of those cooking and laundering occasions, Sam hugged me to express his thanks but I could not deny that the hug was not pure but I kept at it.

The most reason I am here today is that Sam has asked me to go beyond our habitual hugs and kisses, he says that we are getting married and I can spend the night in his house. At the first month of this relationship, I kept asking myself “how far is too far”? Right now anything you tell me Aunty Serena, I will do it.

Lizzy, I commend your boldness to come to me, Aunty Serena responded kindly. Let us pray, Father in Heaven, we thank you the giver of life and wisdom, I bless you Holy Spirit for your unmistakable workings in our life and thank you for bringing your daughter to my house at this hour, we pray that you teach, lead us and help our hearts to please you in Jesus’ name, amen.

Amen, I also responded in relief.

My Dear, I will not want to say do this or do that, but I will like to ask you one question: who has been the focus of your decisions in the past months and concerning this relationship?

…

That single question from Aunty Serena has re-ordered my direction, at this point, I have realized how far my thoughts and desires have been from pleasing God. I have been either preoccupied with marrying before the end of the year or with making Sam happy or with looking out for what I will discuss with Margaret.

I honestly admit that if God has been the focus of my decisions, there would have been no Sam in the first place, apart from his bearing Samuel, he doesn’t identify with the tenets of God or the Bible.

My spiritual life has been tending towards the reverse, it has been difficult to pray as well. Eateries, Cinemas and fun activities have saturated my mind. Sam, as I reflect has never for once inquired of my faith and belief in God. Little wonder, I began questioning how far was too far in physical expressions with him.

To summarize, I have realized:

1. It is not for me to give myself a husband through avenues like dating, as I serve God, he will bless me at the right time, he can send me a Godly man who can propose marriage to me at the spot because His storehouse is full.
2. I must pray and trust God for His will in marriage for my life. Psalm 4:5.
3. I must not be in a relationship with any man whose life and will is not totally surrended to God.
4. My body is the temple of God and if I defile His temple, he can destroy me.
5. I must involve my parents/guardians/authority figures in a relationship I am engaged in.
6. I must not be over-confident and trust in my might to please God, I must obey the Holy Spirit consistently.
7. Purity must be guarded with discipline.
8. I must avoid all appearances of evil, I should spend time only in open spaces and in the day time.
9. I must be accountable to a Godly woman(women)whose life(lives) has(have) been sold out to God.
10. I must guard where I seek counsel because evil communication corrupts good manners.
11. I must continue in fellowship with the brethren.
12. I must continue in personal fellowship with God, what Christians refer to as “personal altar” through worship, study of the Scriptures and prayers.
13. That “I will Do” based on an engagement does not mean “I Do”, it does not mean that I am married.

I have a made deliberate and courageous decision to return Sam’s ring and call off the proposal acceptance, I would inform my parent and seek their forgiveness too.

Most of all, I am determined to rebuild my relationship with my first Love who truly loves me, The Holy Spirit.

©Uyama.